When People Grieve by Unknown

Author:Unknown
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Epub3
Publisher: The Crossroad Publishing Company

Things Not to Say

SINCE EVERY grief and every griever is unique, it is hard to feel sure how to respond. There are no easy answers. But here are some guidelines.

Call me if you need me! These words are always said with love, and probably with the full intention of following through on a request if the bereaved does call. The words mean well. But, unfortunately, grief can be painfully paralyzing. Ten days following a burial or cremation, when grief is breaking the heart, the bereaved may very sincerely want to talk with you ... but the distance between that thought and the phone is too great.

My friend Lois described this experience perfectly in her grief journal: “Sometimes I feel that I am drowning, too far from land to reach anything or anyone, unless someone reaches out first.”

The key to helping is that you, the friend, need to be the initiator. Make the calls yourself, or simply show up, offering to take a walk, go for a drive, have a cup of tea. The specifics don’t matter as long as your invitation is definite and sincere. The newly bereaved person needs friends to reach out first.

You might say something like this: “I’m free at noontime tomorrow. Would you like to have lunch with me?” Or, “How about seeing a movie together this evening, or taking a walk tomorrow morning at ten?” Once you’ve asked, let the bereaved be honest about whether or not she feels like having company or going out. A visitor can be powerful medicine, and it may be wonderful to feel a friend’s nearness for an hour. But even if your offer is refused, know that your caring will have mattered. Try again on another day. Be concrete, and above all, don’t give up on your friend.

If you are creative, you can come up with specific ways to show your willingness to be available at any time ... especially at those times when a wave of grief has hit. One friend left me a card with her name and number, and these words: / want to be called in the middle of the night!! / have no children to care for, and /awaken easily. I was touched by her effort to emphasize her availability and willingness to be called at an hour when I would surely hesitate to awaken a friend. If she had said, Call me anytime, I wouldn’t have called in the middle of the night.

My friend Jan was especially sensitive to how it feels to be a single parent caring for a sick child. She repeatedly stressed her understanding of what it must be like to be alone tending an ill child in the middle of the night, worried about croup or a high fever. “Please don’t ever be alone and afraid in that way,” she told me. “I would want to come and sit with you, even if I couldn’t do more than lend moral support.” Her concern was so specific that I felt free to call when a nighttime vigil became hard to face alone.

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